Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

6: are snakes just neck?

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

If you need a laugh.. 😅

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

bat life

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?