Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.