Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!