If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.