If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.