Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle