If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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Mistakes were made
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.