if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?