if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.