Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…