Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shower sex be like:

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

I might carry a baby with one hand.

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.