Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Real bees work best

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”