If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so