Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.