If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
You Might Also Like
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
tfw you realize …
