If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.