If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.