Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

wtf

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite