Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

“FOUND ‘EM!”

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

me when I see my crush

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.