Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Sunday

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.