Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.