Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my first day as a raccoon

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

buying dead houseplants to save time

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.