Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

Did my cat write this

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.