Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have questions??

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot