If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.