If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!