Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

My first child will be named New Folder.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel