If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?