Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now