Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Just this preview of the story is enough

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

☠️☠️☠️

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.