If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”