Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going