If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
You Might Also Like
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
This pepper has seen some shit
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .