If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Just a phase…
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*