“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again