“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
You Might Also Like
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
mood
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform