“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Woke up against my better judgment again
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.