if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
2022 be like
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.