Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

…

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Flock of bats

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Cause of death: Zumba

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?