Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote