Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie