Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

My dress code is business-casualty.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.