If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.