If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey