Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

My god she’s good.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.