If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
SPLOOT
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?