If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk