Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.