If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?