If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?