If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one