If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”