If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
You Might Also Like
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”