If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Oh hi lol
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
constantly working on myself.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.