If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Me irl
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If only
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids