if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I love texting my boyfriend
Meowchelangelo
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I only eat vegetarians.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died