Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.