Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm