Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

These are so Plastic Man-core

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive