If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
one last job
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.