If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.