If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”