If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Just this preview of the story is enough
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life