If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
True.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one