@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

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@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@Home_Halfway

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

@guyrleech

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

@_Water_Baby

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

@krustythe_klown

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.