If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You Might Also Like
A duv-egg? In this economy?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.