If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
