If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Leftovers are for quitters!
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
This one’s “Alex”.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
meow
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.