If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
my proudest tweet
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.