If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
sigh
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive