Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.