If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
You Might Also Like
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
This was a bad idea all around
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
It’s the weekend y’all
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.