Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Running from your problems is cardio .

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down