If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

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[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die


No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.


Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…


her: my parents are gone ūüėČ

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last


Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick


My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.


Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?


Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.


If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.


CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator