@CrisMtzgr

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@squirrel74wkgn

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

@Hormonella

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

@TheHyyyype

her: my parents are gone ūüėČ

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@NeinQuarterly

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

@Gre_Gone

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@Tmoney68

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

@fro_vo

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator