Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)