Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

☠️ ☠️

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again