If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
You Might Also Like
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.