If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
🙅🏻
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.