If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The little toadstool has spoken.
🤣🤣
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest