If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc